Love, Lasting

I marvel at any couple who manages to stay together past the 50 year mark.   If you ask them the secret to a lasting marriage, they all pretty much say the same thing: The secret is love, laughter and facing problems together.  Truth is: the secret isn’t shared.  It’s witnessed. I’ve spent the last 5 days playing witness to what it takes to make a lasting love. 

My parents retired to North Carolina when my eldest son was just 2 years old.  They returned home last week to attend 2 weddings, one of which is my eldest son’s.  They had their 12 day stay all mapped out. They would spend time with family members and hit local favorite dining and shopping spots in between weddings and rehearsal dinners. Then, adversity reared its ugly head and their plans changed, putting love to the test….one more time. 

Mom was taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital and admitted with an acute gallbladder attack.  The surgeon was reluctant to operate because she was considered high risk, due to chronic health issues.  Her surgery was cancelled 3 times due to complications. On day 4, she finally had her diseased, infected gallbladder removed.  What I witnessed, in those 4 days, is the reason only some marriages stand the test of time.

My father never left her side, during visiting hours.  He was reluctant to leave her and worried endlessly until he was able to return to the hospital.  He held her hand in one of his hands and a basin in the other, as she dry-heaved and vomited for days.  He sat by her side while she slept and fed her ice chips when her mouth was dry.  He helped her to bathroom, when the nurses weren’t able to answer the call bell quickly enough.  He kissed her forehead every time he left the room.

Mom had always done the same for him. Over the years, Dad was the one with the major health issues. Mom was his diligent caretaker.  She always put his needs ahead of her own.  She did so, lovingly and without hesitation.  When the tables were turned, he returned the favor.  He did so…..without hesitation. 

Just before she was wheeled into the operating room she revealed the secret to me.  She squeezed my hand and whispered to me “take care of your father, for me.”  She wasn’t worried about herself. She was worried about her love.

I had struggled in my own marriages.  My first ended in divorce and my second – my fairytale marriage – came dangerously close to suffering the same fate. I still struggle with trust issues. Every relationship I’ve been in pales in comparison to my parents’ marriage.  Now I understand the secret.  Now, on the eve of my son’s wedding, I am prepared to share it with the bride and the groom at their rehearsal dinner.

Yes, love is patient and kind. It is a give and take. But there is so much more to love. Love cares more about others, than it does about itself. Love places other’s needs over their own; willingly and lovingly. However, love is not always lovely. The reason: but people are flawed. People say and do regrettable things especially under stress; things that cannot be undone, unsaid, unheard or forgotten. This is when love is tested the most. When adversity strikes in the home, only a lasting love can survive.

 Lasting love understands, because it longs to be understood.  Lasting love is forgiving, because it hopes to be forgiven.   Lasting love says I’m sorry, as often as it says I forgive you.  Love may hold your hand when you’re at your best, but lasting love; lasting love holds your hand when you’re at your worst.

Yes, love can be far from ideal. For better and for worse…..adversity lurks around every corner, waiting to rear its ugly head. It tests love’s courage beyond measure. Love will be infected by diseases of the body and the mind. Lasting love is the cure; a cure more powerful than any medication on the market.  Lasting love is hope set on fire. It gives us courage to not just hold on, but to fight; fight for what makes this life worth living. What makes this life worth living is love. 

That is why we take vows.  We promise to love for better and for worse.  There will be joy and there will be pain, of this I am sure.   

We all learn a hard lesson, when we love.  When we fight against each other, love does suffer. 

In the end, we learn an even greater lesson. We learn that when we fight together, love not only lasts, it is an unstoppable force.

The secret to a love, lasting comes down to this:

It takes two – courageous, caring souls who are not only willing to love, but are willing to suffer and fight for each other….for better and for worse…..until death they do part.