Through my Eyes

     Some days are a lot harder than others. This isn't anything different than anyone else would say but it's unique from person to person. We all handle our issues in our own way. Maybe you go for a walk, play a video game or put on an album and let it take you away. The important thing is that you have some kind of outlet that works for you. The real kick in the ribs is when your outlets don't work like they used to or you simply lose touch with what made them work to begin with.

     

      I'm 37 years old, married with two awesome kids and when it comes right down to it, I don't really like myself all that much. I deal with severe body image issues and on more days than I'd care to admit, I feel like a failure. So, let's try and break this down and see if we can figure it out. 

      

     Body issues. Well, here's a hot button issue if I've ever heard one. It's everywhere you look. Mostly it's aimed at women. Making them feel as if they have to fit this societal mold of what a woman is supposed to look like. It's total crap and I think most people would agree with that. Critics hide it under the guise off "wanting people to be healthy." However they overlook wanting people to be happy. Let me tell you right now that it isn't just women who deal with this. Look at any magazine and the pictures you'll find of men will depict them as fit and trim, six pack abs and given the latest trends, probably bearded and tattooed. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But what about the guys that look like me? I'm bald and heavy. I'd probably have to starve myself for a few months to ever come close to six pack abs. I have hair on my body. I have no tattoos because I've never found anything I was willing to permanently put on my body and also because I really don't want any. But in this day and age you can be looked down on for not having any. The very people who cried foul because they were looked down on for having tattoos and piercings are now the ones who judge those of us who appreciate the art of it but have none. 

    

      I know deep down I'm always going to be that shy and unsure 15 year old kid who used his sense of humor to hide the fact that he dealt with self doubt and just wanted people to like him. Who used it to make the people around him feel happier because he didn't want anyone to feel the way he felt inside. The saying that the funniest people are often the saddest and loneliest, it's true. Tears of a clown and all that jazz. I will do anything to make a person smile because I hope that one of these times it'll make me smile as well. Smile and really mean it. 

    

      Now let's be clear about something. I love my wife and kids and I enjoy the life that I have with them. But that doesn't mean that the nagging voices in your head ever really shut up. That takes change, real change. You have to make them stop. You have to believe that whatever they're telling you isn't reality anymore. That's a tall order sometimes. 

    

      I wish I knew what to say to any of you out there who feel this way. I can say that you're not as awful as you paint yourself to be. But I can't make you believe it. I can say that one day it stops bothering you. But I can't tell you when that day is. I'm still waiting for mine. I could say that there are a wealth of people out there who love you and there are, that much is true. But you have to love you first and the most. You can't find it in other people and it's not fair to put that kind of responsibility on anyone else. 

      

     So in closing I'll say this. Life can really suck sometimes. People will let you down and break your heart. They're only human and that's kind of what they do. No one is perfect. But there's a lot of beauty out there and you can find it in the most surprising of places. Don't judge by what you see. Don't be afraid to look beyond what's right in front of you. Don't stand for people who do that to you.

Never Give Up

     The other day my son was at the kitchen table drawing pictures of horror icons because he loves horror movies. While in the middle of one he stopped and looked at me and said "Dad, I'm drawing Michael Myers. Do you think I'll be successful?" My first thought was "who the hell talks like that?!", then I thought "he wants my approval. He wants to know he's doing a good job so that he can keep on doing it with confidence." I didn't hesitate to tell him that his drawings were awesome and he'd be successful. Maybe he'll be an artist one day. Maybe he'll make special effects for movies. What he won't ever do is tell himself that his dad didn't believe in him. The same goes for my daughter. She's about to turn 16 and has her whole life planned out. She knows where she's going to school and what she wants to do with her life. I don't think I could be more proud of her and how much she's matured and pulled herself together over the last couple years. 

     You might wonder where I'm going with this. For a little while, I did too. Parenting isn't an easy job and there's no rule book. You play it by ear and do what you hope is the best. When I was little I didn't get a lot push to live my dreams and reach for the stars. I got told no and that I couldn't do things, a lot. I wanted to play the piano. I was told I wouldn't stick with it. I wanted to use chop sticks once at an Asian restaurant. My dad told the waitress that I would fail. I didn't. Now, before anyone goes thinking that my parents are assholes or anything like that, please understand that my parents are great people. My dad is my best friend and my mom is still who I go to when I need some realistic advice. But what they also are is too realistic. There was no dream I had that wasn't in some way worn down due to it being a little outlandish. They loved me. But they didn't push me. And it's that fact that has held me back in a lot of ways over the years. I've given up on the vast majority of my dreams because they aren't "realistic." I'll come up with reasons that whatever it is I want to do, will ultimately fail. I wanted to be a wrestler, a musician, a writer. All things that I feel like I would have been pretty good at. I even gave up on this blog for a while. It was hard to open myself up to people and not immediately see the rewards from it that I felt I'd see. What were those rewards? I haven't got a clue. But they weren't there and I walked away from it. 

      The irony in all of this is that I'm the first person to push people to be what they want to be, to root for the underdog. But I can't take that same advice for myself. Someone once told me that in a crisis, I'd be the guy that ran into danger to save other people. Because deep down inside I want to be the superhero. 

     I guess what I'm getting at is this. Please don't ever give up. Please don't stop fighting. I know there are moments when you can't take another step or give another breath or shed another tear. I know it because I've been there and still live there. Some of you know me and some of you may not. But I believe in you. I believe that if you want something badly enough, you can make it a reality. Stop listening to those venomous voices in your head and keep fighting. I promise you that it's worth it. Maybe not today, but one day you'll wake up and look back on your journey and realize that you made your life important because you never gave up. And on that day, you take that feeling of pride and you pass it on to the world around you. You stand up for every person that was where you used to be and you give them hope. 

     Yeah, I think you'll be successful.