Tired

You’re going to need to take a long and potentially painful look at yourself in the mirror and demand that you recognize the good in yourself. It’s not going to be easy. I tell myself this exact thing every single day. And every day I find some reason, big or small, to ignore even the slightest bit of good in myself. It’s silly and I know it. I’m human, just like everybody else. And part of being human is making mistakes, learning from them and then not repeating them. But rather than looking at the mistakes I’ve made and putting them behind me, I carry them around like some form of penance. The wrongs that have been done to me? Well, I make sure to plant those deep so they never go away. So, I can’t tell you what my best qualities are, where my strengths lay. But I can tell you every single ill word that has ever been said to me. It’s an awful way to live and after doing it for a very long time, I can say that I’ve grown really tired of it. Tired of being the person who shoulders burden that isn’t mine. Tired of holding on to everything.

It’ll kill you in the end. Maybe not literally, I would hope not literally. But it’ll carve you out inside and make you nothing more than a giant empty shell. Let it go, all of it. Even if it has to be a tiny piece at a time.

So I’m making a list in my head of everything good about me. I’m much more accustomed to listing my flaws but that hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I’m kind of tired of being stuck in one place. It’s boring and the view is old now. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend the rest of my life dwelling on things that don’t matter anymore. Or let the opinions of fools tell me who I am and who I’m going to be.