Friday, August 2, 2013

Unbroken

A broken soul.  That's all I can remember being.  Surrounded by addicts my entire life.  I lost the only person who ever made me feel loved at the age of ten.  He was my father.  Although, he was broken himself because of wars he had fought for a country he loved, he understood me. 

I was alone.  Surrounded by people, but never feeling a part of anything.  I had a family, a great family, but felt like an outsider.  I used to cut myself just to feel. 

At the age of 14, I was raped.  He was 32 years old.  I never told a soul.  I hated men.  Then I met a boy who I thought hung the moon.  He was 20 and I was 17.  My mother and stepfather hated him, so I moved out and into his house.  Over the next few months I learned more about this man.  He was evil.  There were broken ribs, black eyes and cigarette burns from this man.  His apologies kept me there.  The night he picked me up by my neck and threw me across the hood of my car was the last straw.  I know he could have killed me.  I could see it in his eyes.

My college years were filled with dozens of men.  All whom I used to get what I wanted.  They paid my rent, bought me things and took care of me.  I was a user.  I never loved these men nor did I give them anything in return.  I was starting to believe I would never love anyone and this was my lot in life; loveless relationships.  I had been broken by the last man who I thought I loved.  Then I met a man who I thought would change everything.  It wasn't until our honeymoon I realized he wasn't the man I thought he was.  Over the years he became an addict.  I guess the addictive personality was there, but I didn't see it.  I was blinded by my love for him.  After 9 years of emotional and psychological abuse that sometimes manifested into physical due to his cocaine and alcohol addiction, I left this man.  For a moment, I returned to cutting myself.  I was 31 years old, what was I thinking!!!!

One night, I was out alone.  I met a man with the kindest eyes I have ever seen.  That very night he stole my heart.  He took every piece of my broken heart and healed it one piece at a time.  Finally, I found someone with whom I could allow myself to be me around, someone who never judged me, someone who never allowed me to feel alone and who I felt a part of.  Finally a family!  One that I could call my own.  But sadly, I once again found myself in a relationship that was another destructive one.  He couldn't stay faithful.  I forgave him, but in the end, trust had been broken and sometimes that just can't be repaired.

For months, I cried and wallowed in my own self pity until one day it hit me: I'm not broken!  I never was.  I carefully laid out everything that happened from my childhood to my life then.  These men, they were the broken ones.  I thought they needed me to save them....my father, my step-father and on down the line.  All the addicts and abusers in my life.  All these betrayals by men who I had given everything to.  My love was not to be used and tossed aside like that.  I allowed them to make me feel undeserving, unwanted and broken.  I allowed them to make me build these walls up and allowed them to change me from the little girl who only knew good and saw beauty in everything, to a bitter woman who thought she was unworthy of being loved.

All I can do now is thank these men.  These men all taught me a valuable lesson....I'm not broken.  I can never be broken.  I am in control of my life.  I deserve the best.  I will get the best.  I am worthy.

To all these men, thank you!  Thank you for reminding me that love isn't something with conditions.  It's something beautiful, amazing and unconditional.  I will never again allow anyone that makes me feel as though I have to fight for their love in my life again.  

I remain unbroken.

3 comments:

  1. I don't have words for how reading this has moved me. As a woman who used to self harm, who survived rape, and dated addicts, reading this is like looking in a mirror in many ways.

    Your words made me cry - because of what you've endured and how they could have been mine, too.

    But what has affected me the most is your determination to be unbroken - to be better in spite of the past.

    Thank you so, so much for sharing this. I needed to read it.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for the kind comment. It has taken a long time to get to this point. Although the scars I have may be hard to look at for myself sometimes, it also reminds me of what I have gone through and who I have become because of it.

      One thing that keeps me going is the quote below:
      “Everyone suffers at least one bad betrayal in their lifetime. It’s what unites us. The trick is not to let it destroy your trust in others when that happens. Don’t let them take that from you.”
      ― Sherrilyn Kenyon

      This and the fact I have to keep living. I refuse to let anyone get in my way of true happiness in life.

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  2. I too have no words. I am a man who has never struck a woman (or anyone, for that matter) in true anger in my life. I'm no hero, no saint, just a guy. I cannot comprehend what would make someone pledge to love another and then hurt them. My visceral reaction is to want to hurt them back, but no matter how badly I'd hurt them, I suspect I'd end up more damaged than them. (But it might be satisfying, at the time...)

    And I can barely comprehend the strength the woman who wrote this piece has. But I can respect it, envy it, laud it. Strength beyond strength. Thanks for not letting them take that away from you.

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