Surviving vs. Living

I was the average child, average grades, with good friends.  My mother and father were separated, and we lived with my grandparents. When I was 13 in 1991, my life changed.  My father, whom I didn't get to see as often as I wanted, was killed in a car accident.  To cope, I was turned on to music in a different way.  I was given a Bass.  I learned and practiced constantly.  Then, I got a guitar.  And I taught myself how to play.  Was in a few bands, played a few shows,  and really enjoyed every minute.

Then I turned 18.  Went to community college for a few classes, but realized it wasn't for me.  So I entered the working world, and had a few jobs that I worked in to survive.  I got a job working as a sales rep. for a large organization and I was making great money.  It is difficult to find a job in my area where you can make $60,000 a year.  I got married, had my first child at 30, and survived.
Skip ahead to my 32 birthday.  The day started like all others.  I went to work, made good money, and was enjoying my day.  Everything was going right.  Making my stops at the best possible times, red lights were green for me.  And the Sunday prior, my wife and I found we were expecting our second child.  On my way home for some birthday festivities, I decided to make an out of the way stop at a supermarket. There was a car in the left lane waiting for traffic to clear.  I was 5 feet from her when a tractor trailer hit her car, and pushed her in front of me at 55 mph.  All of the damage and force was transferred to my car. 

It took them 10 min to get me out of the car.  After cutting away the car to get me out, they informed me that I was going to be going to the hospital.  The first hospital I was taken to was not capable of treating, so I sat in the ER waiting to go to Westchester Medical Centers Trauma ICU.  My wife was called, and came in crying, where I told her I was going to be just fine, because I didn't cause the accident.  This would become my litany as time went on, because at least I have that.  The next day, I spent 17 hrs in surgery to have 4 pounds of metal inserted into my lower body to try and correct the 18 breaks I had.  The next day, another 4 as the placed 6 pins in my wrist.  Two days later, I would go back in for another 3 hours to close up the wounds because the swelling was preventing the Doctors from stapling the wounds closed.  All this time, and heavily medicated, I kept repeating, it is alright.  It was not my fault.  When I went back 4 months later, it took 2 people 20 minutes to take the 350 staples out.

As they were stepping down my meds over the next 2 weeks in the hospital, I got to really think about what I was going to do.  My jobs have always been very physical, and that was no longer an option.  So I started thinking, I was always saying I was surviving.....but was that living.  I realized that I lost the dream chasing the dollar.  No more.  Not going to happen.  I am going back to my dream.  I am going back to making, and working with, music.  It is really that simple.  Do what makes you happy, and be with the ones who love you. 

I went to my in-laws while I was recovering so I can be with my wife and kid.  4 months of therapy, and I walk pretty damn good.  Just a small limp, depending on the weather.  I finished my online college courses, and have started to plan my life.  We welcomed our 2nd child on St. Patrick's day.  I live every day in some kind of pain.  Not horrible pain, but dull throbbing pains that will always tell me what I have been through.  The only medication I use is Ibuprofen.  I don't need harder drugs to further change me or my life. And yet, I still wait here for some kind of word....from the Doctors, from the lawyers, from the disability companies, that I can start my life again....

At least now, I have a plan, and with the help of some good friends, I think I am going to be just fine.  I don't need to have a rich bank account to be rich in life.  But I also don't want to miss out on the things I love, or miss time with my loved ones because the dollar commands it.