Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Policy


This is a blog that I should’ve written in the very beginning.  Not only to show the people reading it the purpose of what I’m trying to do, but to remind myself why I started this.  I called it The Stage is Yours as a way of giving people an outlet to anonymously remove those things in their lives that were holding them back. Free of judgment and prying eyes. But upon doing that, I stepped aside and took it away from myself. I stopped putting in effort to remove the things that were holding ME back. That isn’t fair to myself and it certainly isn’t fair to those of you that have so beautifully shared yourselves.  So I’d like to take this opportunity to pull the curtain back and do what all of you have done.  Take charge of my life and attempt to pick up the pieces.

I am a liar.  I have made up stories about myself and my life in an attempt to make myself seem better than I am. Lying to me is a compulsion. I am addicted to it. Small things and large things have all been effected by this addiction.  I am so caught up wanting everyone to like me that I modify who I am to suit individual needs. Or what I thought they would need.  This has left a giant hole in me. A hole that I tried to fill with alcohol and drugs and the attention of people that I didn’t truly know. I used people to make myself feel better. And for a time it would work, but it never lasted.

I have a wonderful woman in my life. Someone who never looked at me with judging eyes and never wanted me to be anything more than who I am. But I’ve lied to her as well.  I still sought out the attention of others. I still filled that hole inside me with drugs and alcohol. And now I stand here and could potentially lose everything. My wife, my family, all of it. This is what lying has done. This is what it will do to you.  She told me to put up or shut up. She told me that she doesn’t trust me anymore. I’m afraid, I’m terrified. More so than I’ve ever been in my entire life. This is what lying has done to me and the people I care about.  Maybe it’s time I told myself to put up or shut up. Lying shouldn’t be this easy. We teach our children that it’s wrong to lie. I was raised to believe that the truth was the most important thing. So put up or shut up. I don’t want to wake up a year from now and not have her here, not hear the laughter of my child. I don’t want to die with regrets.

Like any addict, this isn’t going to be easy. I’ll have to force myself on a daily basis to live the way I know I should live. To be honest, both with myself and with her. I’m going to have to attempt to rebuild her trust in me. I don’t know if I can do it. But I know for the first time in my life I have to try. I give up too easily on everything. And after a while, when you live like that, people and things will give up on you. I know that it’ll take time for the truth to be believed as well. When all you spew are lies, the truth sounds exactly the same.

Put up or shut up. Stop talking about who you want to be and be it. Stop standing on the side lines and waiting for things to happen. Make them happen. Stop lying and tell the truth to yourself and to those you love the most. Stop giving yourself to people that you don’t really know. Stop hurting people. Stop making excuses and fucking change.

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