Clarity

I’ve spent the better part of a couple years being relatively uncertain as to who I am or what I want out of life.  While this may come across like sour grapes to some, I assure you that it isn’t. The choice to hide my head in the sand and wait for everything to fix itself was very much my own. So when you read this, if you read this, please understand that this little bit of a rant is really more of my way of letting go of some pent up animosity that I have.  That being said, enjoy, and I hope that this makes even the tiniest bit of sense in then end.

If you went back about twelve years ago you’d have found me a very different man.  Someone without an ego, but someone who had a very quiet confidence.  I wasn’t defined by my career, my relationships or anything other than what I allowed.  I said what was on my mind and never second guessed any decisions that I made.  Somewhere along the line that all stopped. I became the exact opposite. I was nothing but my own list of inadequacies.  It made me all bitter and hard to be around. It affected me both mentally and physically in some ways. The other day in the middle of a phone call, someone said the wrong thing and pushed and belittled me just a little too far. It was like a switch went on in my head. But instead of yelling and raging about it, I made them suffer through a long and awkward pause and then calmly showed them that speaking to me like I was beneath them was a very bad idea.  It felt amazing. It was in that moment that I knew that I was back.

This journey is mine and mine alone. In the end I have only myself to answer to. My decisions, good or bad, are mine. Anyone who feels like walking with me is more than welcome to. But I won’t stop moving because someone is asking me to. You can keep up or catch up to me later.  I’ve spent a lot of time standing still, hoping that the things that I want would be handed to me. It has never once worked.

I used to worry that was too fat or too hairy or inadequate.  I’m none of those things. I’m me from head to toe. I will never be a model with six pack abs or a vision of “perfection.” I have a strange beard and I wear the clothes I want to wear. I eat what I want and drink what I want. Maybe it’s time we stopped letting photoshopped images of secretly flawed people dictate who we are. Ladies, stop worrying about the size of your ass and your stomach and be happy with yourselves. Curves are awesome. Start owning that shit and be happy.  If you want to work out to make yourself feel better, do it. But do it because it’s what you want. Not because someone told you it’s the only path to happiness. And if you’d rather have another slice of cake and a beer, enjoy it.

I don’t have a career. I’m 36 years old and I don’t have anything even remotely resembling one.  What I do have is a string of kind of interesting jobs. I’ve sold kaleidoscopes, worked security, been an accountant, sold gun parts, been a stay at home dad, a baker and a home health aid. I throw myself completely into whatever it is I’m doing and at times allowed myself to feel like none of these things were fulfilling. What they are is interesting, and I’ll take an interesting job over a boring career any day.  I let people’s opinions of what I was doing become fact in my mind. Because of that I stopped doing things that I really loved doing.

Live your life. You only get one go around and if you spend it wasting seconds because someone might think you’re weird or stupid, you’re missing the point. Be weird, do what makes you happy, just be yourself in every way you know how. People will love you or hate you because of it. But what matters most is if you love yourself because of it. And maybe they hate you because they see something they wish they could be. Maybe it’ll inspire them to let go just a little. Seriously, if I did it, so can you.